My Story: How I Realized I Was a Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

There was a time in my life when I didn't recognize who I was anymore. All I knew was that I felt like a shell of myself. I couldn’t quite explain it, but I knew something was deeply wrong. I felt empty, confused, and lost but I didn’t understand why.

I believed I was a horrible person—a failure responsible for the collapse of my marriage. I carried the weight of shame and guilt, convinced it was all my fault. I clung to the hope of reconciliation because, naturally, I am not a quitter. I don’t take marriage lightly, and I believed that if I could just “fix” myself, things would be repaired. So, I poured the little energy I had into trying to be "better", to be what I thought I needed to be in hopes that this person would love and accept me again. But in reality, I was only existing; life went on autopilot for me. My days revolved around taking care of my young daughter, and while I love her fiercely, I felt like I was barely holding on. Sometimes, death felt like a much better option to escape the emptiness that I was feeling internally. I spent lots of time crying and begging God to make me good because I don't understand why "I am like this".

A Crack In The Door

One day, I sat in a psychiatrist's office and poured out what I had been experiencing. Her calm response, without even going into any in-depth type of questioning was, “You have been emotionally abused.”

Her words opened a small door, but only a crack. Yes, I knew my relationship had been hard, but emotional abuse? That hurt. And yet, deep down, I couldn’t shake the feeling that what I had experienced was something much deeper. Emotional abuse couldn't sum it up...it just wasn't possible. That lingering feeling became a question I couldn’t ignore.

The Prayer That Changed Everything

As I had gotten used to doing, I turned to God. I vented about my confusion, my hurt, my anger...everything. In frustration I prayed, “God, something happened to me, and I want to know what happened to me." He revealed to me that I had been abused by a covert narcissist (yes, it was that specific). This took me down the rabbit hole of research because I knew absolutely nothing about narcissism much less a covert narcissist. God started to shine more and more light about my experience but this thing shook me to my core and my heart was absolutely shattered. I couldn't believe the things I was reading and I was furious. At the same time, I was really grateful to know that I was not imagining things and that what I had gone through has real, living language. As angry as I was, this catapulted me into the healing journey. I knew I didn't want to be barely existing. I wanted to heal and I knew I need deep soul healing. And what a journey it has been since that simple prayer.

Looking Back At What I Missed

With this new revelation about narcissistic abuse, everything began to make sense. The "aha" moments were too numerous to count. My brain went from being in autopilot to being fully engaged and sometimes overworking. I became like this forensic investigator pulling evidence from here, there and everywhere to solve this case. Memories flooded my mind and I could see patterns that I had overlooked. Little things I had dismissed or normalized began to stand out clear as day. Subtle things were no longer subtle. I could finally see moments of gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional control in a way I hadn't before, and the damage they had done to me at a core level.

1. I Thought Everything Was My Fault

I spent years believing I was the problem and cause of everything negative in the relationship. I was actually told that everything was my fault. This reinforced my belief, "I am bad" . I blamed myself for every argument, every moment of tension, even for things I never did! This person had an uncanny way of twisting things so that I felt responsible even for things I had no control over. His words and actions reinforced the idea that I wasn’t good enough, and I believed him.

2. The Love-Bombing Kept Me Hooked

In the beginning, he seemed like the everything I was looking for. He was attentive, loving, charming and affectionate. I felt so seen, special and valued when I was with him. He went out of his way to gain my trust and he didn't come up short in showing me that he was dependable. But the driving motive wasn't really love; it was a tactic to hook me emotionally and to make me dependent on his validation. I didn’t realize how much power he gained by being the source of my self-worth.

3. The Gaslighting Confused Me

I often doubted my own reality. He would deny things he said or did, twist conversations, and make me feel like I was imagining things. Sometimes he would laugh and "joke" that I have alzheimer's. This was actually a bit fearful for me. I remember questioning my memory, wondering if I was really losing it and I was more dependent on his judgment.

4. I Started Walking on Eggshells

As time progressed, I became hyper-aware of his moods, carefully choosing my words to avoid adding tension or offending him. I told myself I was being considerate, but in reality, I was shrinking myself to avoid the passive-aggressive retaliation.

5. Isolation Happened Slowly

At first, he seemed supportive of my relationships, but over time, he planted seeds of doubt about my friends and family. He made me feel like I couldn’t trust anyone but him. Apparently, he was the only one who really cared about me and had my best interests at heart. Although deep inside I didn't really believe that, I wanted to avoid unnecessary arguments so I started to distance myself from certain people.

The Moment of Clarity

When I finally realized what had happened to me, it was painful but freeing. God answered my prayer, and while the truth was hard to face, it also allowed me to begin the journey of healing.

I understood that my feelings of worthlessness and confusion weren’t because I was this broken, bad person who needed "fixing"—they were the result of years of emotional and psychological abuse. The blame and shame I was carrying for a failed marriage didn’t belong to me.

For Anyone Who Feels Like a Shell of Themselves

Staring in the mirror and not recognizing yourself is tough and I want you to know this:

• You’re not alone. Many women have walked this path, and they understand the craziness that is narcissistic abuse
  
• It’s not your fault. Narcissists are skilled at making you feel responsible for their behavior, but the blame isn’t yours to carry. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with you that gave cause for this abuse.
  
• There is hope. Healing and thriving is possible, and with God’s guidance and the right support, you can reclaim your life and your sense of self.

If you’re unsure about what happened to you, I encourage you to turn to God. Ask Him to reveal the truth, just like I did. Be open to what He shows you, even if it’s hard to face. The truth isn’t meant to hurt you—it’s meant to set you free. Awareness is the first step to healing.

I want to encourage you that you are not defined by the pain you’ve endured. You are a survivor, a fighter, and a woman with a future full of hope and healing. Let the pain motivate you to heal and evolve into the best you possible. Most importantly, your worth is not defined by an abuser's treatment of you. It says more about them than anything.

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